You know you love me

It is getting increasingly more difficult to hide my obsession with the TV show "Gossip Girl." I am only partly embarrassed by the fact that it is complete trash and targeted (arguably) toward a high school audience. The other part: I am embarrassed by the fact that I think that Blair Waldorf is magnificent and I want to be her. She is direct, assertive, competitive, misguided, and honest (well, mostly). She is a total bitch and I love her. She kind of reminds me of me.

When I was a little kid I was polite, cooperative, and obedient. I would even say that I was a model child to the point of self-destruction. After compromising myself for many years, I was done with hurting for the sake of not hurting others. I grew tired of telling people what they wanted to hear because it was the "nice thing to do."

Since then I have been criticized for being a mean person. I always joke that I was an original 'Mean Girl,' which is somewhat true. In college, my closest friends labeled me as "the mean one," while the others were described as "the pretty one," "the funny one," and "the slut." Even in graduate school I was sometimes viewed as judgmental, harsh, bitchy, and abrasive. Although I have stood up for myself with strong defiance, I secretly felt bad about how I "treated" people. I felt bad because I was told by people that I should feel bad about it. I even addressed my "mean-ness" in therapy. Of course, my therapist said, "Our best attributes are sometimes our biggest weakness."

I have started to realize that my intentions are not malicious. I do not set out to hurt other people. I think that there is no better way to treat a person but with honesty and integrity. I can accept that my direct and honest style is not always appreciated or even valued. However, I also know that some people have the utmost respect for my opinions and come to me before anyone else because they know that I will tell them the truth. Granted, the truth is sometimes harsh and hard to hear and most of the time the truth is my opinion.

But it is an opinion and I am entitled to my opinion. I don't want to continue to feel bad about that. I would be denying myself the same values that I hold so high in others if I pretended to be anyone else. I have to be honest about who I am and live up to who I say that I am.

Thanks, Blair.